How To Keep Your Man

This has been bugging me for a while, and I thought it’d be good to get it off my chest. I see a lot of women in my life complaining that their husband/boyfriend/whatever isn’t treating them right. I have a question though. How are you treating him? In the time I’ve been with Joe, I’ve found there are ten golden rules to obey when it comes to keeping him happy, and in turn, keeping MYSELF happy. Here they are:

1. SEX. I cannot emphasize this one enough, and it breaks down into a lot of sub-categories as well. How often? If you’re not having sex 2-3 times a WEEK, he’s not happy, and eventually he WILL go looking for it elsewhere, whether he has your permission or not. Are YOU enjoying yourself? If you’re not, he’ll know, and it WILL affect his performance in bed. Also, don’t fake that shit. He knows. And it hurts a lot more than he will ever tell you.

2. Shaving. And ladies, you know where I mean. Does he like it all untamed? Great, you got off easy. But make sure you ask, and don’t just assume that because he hasn’t said anything it doesn’t matter to him. Most men know it’s a sensitive subject, so they won’t say anything unless you bring it up, but it will affect how they perform. Unfortunately, those little hairs trap a LOT of the funk that goes on down there, and it likes to hold onto them, no matter how much you try to get rid of them. Eww. If you won’t put your head down there for a good five minutes, don’t expect him to either.

3. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Or something like that. Whether we like to admit it or not, we get dirty. And sometimes, we even stink. And he notices. You won’t kiss him after he’s been working in the yard all day, so why should he cuddle with you on the couch if you smell like a bad version of last night’s dinner?

4. BACK THE FUCK OFF. If he’s upset and not talking, don’t pester him to give you details. Give him time to work that shit out, and he’ll come to you IF he’s ready. And don’t automatically assume its something you’ve done. I know this is difficult, but be PATIENT. And don’t freak out if he never does tell you. If he’s decided it’s not worth the conversation, then let that shit go. There’s nothing worse than a nag.

5. If your living together, keep up your end of the cleaning schedule. If its your night to do the dishes, do the fucking dishes. I know it sucks, but what guy wants to be with a lazy slob who can’t even load the damn dishwasher? Pull yourself off the couch and just go do it. It’ll go a long way, trust me.

6. Emphasize the positive. If you’ve got a great rack, show it off. If you can bounce a quarter off your ass, wear your sexy jeans every now and again, and make sure he SEES you in your sexy clothes. There are few things that make a man feel good, and knowing that his woman got all dolled up JUST for him is one of those things. So do yourself a favor and look good every once in a while. You WILL notice an improvement in his desire to be with you, trust me.

7. Show him some fucking attention. Be the aggressor every now and again. Don’t always make him work to get what he wants, give it to him before he has a chance to realize that’s what he is after. While he is more often than not ready to go at the drop of a hat, sometimes he wants to feel like he’s needed every now and again. And there is no better way to do that than to pull him away from whatever he’s doing and straddle him =D

8. Engage his OTHER interests too. While sex is WONDERFUL, its not EVERYTHING in a successful relationship. Does he like to play cards? Bust out a deck every now and again. Is he a car enthusiast? Go to the car show with him. Show him that you crave HIM, not just what’s between his legs. Women like to feel like they’re appreciated for more than just their girlie bits, so why should guys be any different?

9. Take some time for YOURSELF. Do things without him. Whether its going to see a girlfriend for coffee or an all day spa experience, take time for YOU. And on the flip side, give him time for him. Don’t get all butt hurt if he wants to go hang out with his friends without you. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy you hanging out with his friends, but he needs him time as well.

10. And finally, the most important. COMMUNICATE. If your upset, tell him why. If you’d like him to do something different, tell him. And DON’T get all defensive or butt hurt if he points out something you’ve been doing that is bothering him. People aren’t perfect. YOU aren’t perfect, and HE isn’t perfect. Just remember that he is with YOU for a reason, and one little argument SHOULDN’T be break up material. If it is, then you have more problems than I can help you with.

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