Tag Archives: Fear

Why being productive helps me


Nooo, this isn't me.


Today has been a relatively productive day. I got up this morning, went grocery shopping, made breakfast, cleaned the bedroom and kitchen, stuck a pie in to bake, and made chicken salad (and not from a can, either). Overall, a very productive Friday.

As many of you are aware, there is a lot of chaos in my life at the moment, and I’m not able to talk about most of it, so please don’t ask. Suffice it to say I’ve got it coming at me from all sides, and it’s definitely not helping my outlook on life.

What most of you don’t know is I have a disorder known as bipolar disorder (click on the link to find out just what bipolar disorder is). In a nutshell, I can go from being extremely content to being extremely depressed in a short amount of time. Add to it that I also have a mild anxiety disorder and mild obsessive compulsive disorder , and you’ve got a world-class nut case on your hands.  I’ve been doing extremely well up until the last few months, when my world rather abruptly came crashing down around me. I haven’t been handling things so well, to say the least. I have my good days, much like today, but then there are those days that I just want to curl up in the fetal position and not get out of bed.

Now I’m not saying this so you’ll feel sorry for me. Far from it. I don’t even really feel sorry for myself, all things considered. As I’ve said before and I’ll say again I’m sure, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I’ve known about and have been dealing with my demons long enough to know how to handle the not so great days.

One of the ways I deal with it is being productive, like I did today. It helps me realize that maybe life is a little better than I thought it was. And it helps me to be thankful for the things I do have. I have a roof over my head (for the moment). I have a family who loves me, friends that would take a bullet for me, and a boyfriend who is so unbelievably in love with me its ridiculous. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from, and I have comfortable clothes to wear each and everyday.

The point I’m trying to make is simple. I know things are hard all around. I know life is beating up a lot of people, and its difficult. Trust me, I understand that one better than you think. But don’t give up. Realize that the people in your life have been put there for a reason, and when things get tough, the ones who truly care will always be there for you.


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I couldn’t sleep last night

Joe and I have been going through some stressful times the last few weeks, and it’s just made me realize how lucky I am to have him. Lord knows I wouldn’t be handling all this so well if it wasn’t for him. But he can’t hold off the scary thoughts if he’s passed out cold when I’m having them, and last night fear and anxiety had me firmly in their grip. I couldn’t escape them, even in my dreams. I felt like I was a loser for not being able to find a job, like I didn’t deserve Joe because he’s too good for me. I came home today, exhausted from hardly sleeping last night, and passed out until almost 2 this afternoon. When I woke up, I realized a couple of things, and I’d like to share them with you:

1. Life doesn’t work the same for everyone. Sure the mechanics (i.e breathing, eating, etc.) are the same, but beyond that, everyone is different. What works for one person isn’t going to work for another, and I need to be okay with that, even if it means taking what I perceive to be a more difficult path.

2. My choices are just that, my choices. I can’t blame others for the things that have happened to me, because in some way or another, I made the choice that brought me to where I am today. I need to take responsibility and realize that just because something has happened to me doesn’t mean I have to let it define me. As many are fond of saying, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to those events. I haven’t been reacting so well is the problem.

3. The opinions of others SHOULD NOT matter to me. I realize that’s easier said than done, but I need to realize that an opinion is advice that I didn’t ask for, and what worked for that person isn’t necessarily going to work for me. While they may have my best interests at heart, they’re not me. I can take into consideration what they said, but in the end, I need to make the decision that is going to work best for me.

4. I need to realize that just because I wasn’t successful the first time around, doesn’t mean I won’t be successful this time around. I need to learn from what I did last time, and make the changes necessary to me being successful this time around.

5. Finally, I need to get up and get moving. Sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn’t doing me any good, and it sure as hell isn’t helping my current situation.

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Filed under NotMyBetterHalf